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Sunday, Sep. 25, 2016

Red and White, not Blue

Posted Tuesday, August 16, 2011, at 11:51 AM

I was 45 when my doctor decided that he wanted a baseline reading for my lower digestive system. He made an appointment at the hospital for the following week; he also gave me some pills and said to take them daily until the appointment.

I asked the doctor, "What are the pills for?"

He told me, "that they would clean out my system for the tests."

These pills were the most intense pills.......it was like eating X-LAX candy bars......I lived in the bathroom for a week. I had to take a vacation from work. Not only did these pills clean me out, they scared me from eating. Heck, the last thing I wanted was to keep the manufacturing line moving. There was also another side effect from the pills......the grocery store could not keep enough corn starch in stock for me.

When I arrived for the test I got out of the car, removed my donut from the seat and hid it away so I could take it in with me. It was 40 feet to the front door and it took me forever to get there. You know how corduroys sound when they rub together..............that was the sound I was making when I was walking toward the door and I was wearing shorts and packed with enough corn starch that a little puff came out from under my shorts with each step.

I walked in for my appointment and the nurse (male, thank goodness) told me to get undressed, put on the gown and lie on the slate for the x-ray machine.......he said the technician would be in shortly. I was extremely nervous and absolutely embarrassed....and I was praying for a male technician.

When the door opened I just knew it was a male technician because I had prayed and I was at church the Sunday before. Well no, in walked the most beautiful, perky, 22-year old woman you had ever seen.

She walked over to me and said, "Mr. Michael, are you ready for your test?" She then began opening the back of my gown. Immediately, she shrieked, "Oh honey, you're raw".

I was thinking NO CRAP; my rear end looked like the rear end of a baboon... I know that you know what I am talking about....

She then said, "She needed to insert a hose and then was going to start pumping barium in me." It had the consistency of milk shake and as white as milk. And we all know what end it wasn't going in. After she inserted the tube and began pumping the barium, she said, "You are going to have a slight sensation that you need to go to the bathroom".

Well, let me tell you about this slight sensation; it was the WORST CRAMPS I had ever had in my life..........you know the kind of cramps I'm talking about:

The kind of cramps that get worse the closer you get to your house; the anticipation of the end just causes more pain.

The kind of cramps that makes your forehead bead like you just put on a coat of wax.

The kind of cramps that if something unplanned happens (i.e. red traffic light) you are going to mess all over yourself and your car.

This took approximately 5 minutes but felt like the time it would take to read War and Peace. After the test the lady technician said, "Mr. Michael, I am going to remove the tube and the bathroom is right over there." I'm thinking this is awesome; I can finally get out of here. What she didn't tell me was that when the tube was pulled out, the end would act like a cork on a Champagne bottle and I would feel like Rick James on Bustin' Out. As I was running to the restroom..........I thought I was going to die. Just Die.

When I got to the bathroom and I did not plan time to close the door....it wasn't in the emergency plan and you know what I said about unplanned traffic lights. When I got to about the 1 foot hover area.....EVERYTHING RELEASED......and I had a male nurse and a beautiful technician watching me. At this point all modesty had left me and all I was thinking about was my exit. I looked behind me and saw three rolls of TP and two towels. I grabbed the towels and cleaned myself up as best I could; I threw the towels on the floor. I took off my socks.....oh yeah; I WAS WEARING MY SOCKS.....and threw them in trash can. I put on my shorts and shoes and left....didn't even bother to get my shirt or underwear.

The next day I changed my doctor, my hospital and bought a new car.

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