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Tuesday, Sep. 1, 2015
The Cow and the CatPosted Tuesday, September 20, 2011, at 12:39 PM
After my pet passed away, I decided that I would get another dog, so I went to the dog pound to adopt a midsize dog. When I arrived, I spotted a beautiful black lab that was about 4 years old.
I asked the attendant, "How could that dog be in this shelter?"
She replied, "An older lady brought the dog in two days ago and said it was a great dog, but the dog didn't like cats." She also told me the dog's name was Maggie.
I thought, perfect.........I don't like cats either. So I paid my $60 to get my dog. The money covers all shots and everything else; you know what I'm saying. I put Maggie in the back of the truck and immediately went to the Vet to have her looked over and washed......I do not or will not ever wash a dog.................once was enough, plus I'm lazy. I dropped Maggie off at 1 p.m. and was told to be back at 4 p.m. During this time I went to the pet store and set her up with the best of everything....I was going to make this dog happy. I obeyed the vet's orders and picked up my perfectly healthy, happy, and clean dog at 4 p.m. on the dot.
After Maggie and I got home, I set up the dinner spot and the sleep spot.............she responded to both areas well. I set up the feeding and watering area by the front doors (French doors with window panes from top to bottom) and raised the shades on the French doors so she could see out; her bed was set up in my room. After working with her for about an hour I realized that the dog had been totally trained and was able to respond to about 8 commands..........the most important thing was -- SHE WAS HOUSE BROKEN. Nobody likes to step into warm butter in the middle of the night. By the time I was finished setting everything up and playing with the dog, I was ready for dinner and a little TV.
Around 10 p.m., I loaded the dishwasher and wrapped up the trash. On this particular night I put the trash just outside the front doors and planned on taking it down to the recycle cylinders the following morning. My main trash bins are about 150 yards away. I usually leave the trash inside, but I thought Maggie might get a little nosy in the middle of the night and scatter that crap everywhere.......I would almost rather deal with the butter. We went to sleep.
At 3 a.m., not 2:59 a.m. or 3:01 a.m........the loudest sound woke me from my sleep. The time is etched into my frontal lobe because at that time my heart went into arrhythmia. After I gathered my thoughts, I realized that the sound was breaking glass. I reach for my 380 next to the bed and started to get up........I also start wondering why this $60 dog was not barking (for $60, I expect a bark). As I'm walking out of my bedroom I hear a "crunch" and then another.....it was at that time, I realized that I had stubbed my left pinky toe on the bed post and the right pinky toe on my dresser......I wanted to scream out, but knew it would not be good with prowlers in the house. I said the words in my head, you know the words, the ones that the preacher tells you not to say, but even he says (in his head) when he is watching his team lose the Super Bowl. I'm thinking where is that stupid dog?
As I get to the Great Room, I realize that there might be more than one intruder, so I grabbed my 9mm; now I have two guns. I continue walking towards the back of the house......listening and slowly creeping (didn't want to stub another toe). As I'm walking by the dining room, I'm thinking these guys might be big and I might need more power (oh,oh,oh,oh -- you know the monkey sound that Tim Allen made on his show); I switched out the 380 for a 44 magnum. You see, like any good right wing conservative, republican, redneck, I keep guns hidden everywhere..........even in the shed and all vehicles........I'm a good redneck. I carry a gun everywhere....if my underwear had a holster I would probably wear a gun to bed. Where is that stupid dog?
Since that first loud bang, I haven't heard anything and I have already checked the back of the house; the only things left to check are the kitchen and the foyer. I am slowly walking back towards the front of the house and I check the kitchen...it's empty. As I get to the foyer I feel a draft and it is cold. I also realize that I did not see the stupid dog in any room. I turn on the light in the foyer and see two panes broken out on the lower section of the left door. I'm thinking some kid broke them out for a prank........but I live in the middle of the woods, so it would have to be a brave or drunk kid. Then I thought that stupid dog must be chasing them. I went back to the bedroom to get my slippers and robe.
When I approached the front door I did not see any glass on the floor, which didn't make sense. I opened the door and noticed that all of glass was on the porch. I also noticed that there was a little trash on the porch that must have come from a very small hole at the bottom of the bag.
Then I noticed the stupid dog sitting in the middle of the yard with a dead cat in her mouth.
This stupid dog was very proud and wanted some kind of treat.
This stupid dog thought it had done the perfect job.
This stupid dog did not realize that I had two guns in my hands (just kidding, I wouldn't shoot the dog)
Soooooooooooooooooooo..........the dog that I had just purchased had broken the two bottom panes on my door to stop the cat from exploring the trash bag. I can mentally see this dog flying through the glass like wonder dog. I went inside and got two bags and put the cat in one and the trash in the other and placed them in the back of my truck. After inspecting the dog and sweeping up the glass on the porch I realized that I had just purchased the most stupid dog on earth.
The door cost $200 to fix and Maggie's name is now cow.
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