Thanks, Guys!

People tend to be terribly negative about awful things. I think they get a bad rap. We should try to appreciate them more. They have their uses, after all.

For instance, when I write a song, I find it useful to stop at the completion and ask myself, "Is this at least better than…" some other song. In desperate straits I will ask, "Is this at least better than 'The Night Chicago Died?'" And it always is. It makes me feel more confident, even though I'll admit that this is no great achievement. Once when the transmission fell out of my car as I went down the highway, one of the first thoughts that ran through my mind was, "Gee, that sounded bad. But not as bad as "The Night Chicago Died."

Many people are surprised to hear that I am a songwriter, especially people who have heard my songs. But I take the craft very seriously. In fact, I have submitted several of my songs to prominent recording artists, and they agree that they have potential. At least, they haven't said otherwise. Silence means consent, right?

I feel that it is helpful to carve out a niche in the music business, and my specialty is lilting, nine-verse/five-chorus ballads set during the Napoleonic Wars of the early 19th Century. Nobody in Nashville has muddied those waters yet, by George! I compose the songs on the kazoo, which I call an ocarina because that sounds somewhat classier than "kazoo," and nobody knows what an ocarina is, anyway. I perform the songs to liven up parties. Or I used to before I stopped being invited to parties.

So certain recordings are of very great use to me. I recall that when I finished the tender love song, "I Remember Your Hair on the 18th Brumaire," I was able to answer myself in the affirmative when I asked, "Is this better than 'Achy Breaky Heart?'" So that was pretty good, actually. But upon finishing the lilting song of star-crossed love, "She Found No Takers at the Siege of Acre," I found myself saying, "Not really," to the question, "This at least beats 'Muskrat Love,' right?" I was only shaken a moment, though, before I recalled my transmission falling out and was reassured.