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Blow up your TVPosted Monday, February 18, 2008, at 10:10 AM
Here's a partial transcript of a program I watched the other night:
[Shockingly loud martial music plays while bursts of light and red, white & blue shapes ricochet around the screen. Letters fly out of a 3D explosion and those viewers who are not having seizures read: "2008: The Battle for the Race to the Fight for the White House!!"]
Chuck: Hello, I'm Chuck Rucker.
Nina: And I'm Nina Serpentina.
Chuck: In this hour: The issues. The candidates.
Nina: And the issues. And the first issue is--
Nina: That's right, Chuck.
Chuck: First, on the Demo…(checks papers)…yes, that's right, Democratic side, Senator Hillary Clinton.
Nina: She's the woman candidate.
Chuck: That's right, Nina. So, the big issue here is… What are we in the media saying about her? And how will what we say about her campaign affect her campaign?
Nina: Or will we?
Nina: Here you see Senator Clinton giving a speech in Wisconsin.
Chuck: Her breasts, Nina. Help her or hurt her?
Nina: Too soon to tell, Chuck. But we have here the results of a preliminary telephone poll about them. And here are the results.
Chuck: That's right, Nina. And we'd like your feelings about the results of this telephone poll. Agree or disagree? Call the number on the screen to cast your vote.
Nina: Earlier in the campaign, Senator Clinton was sure to win, wasn't she, Chuck?
Chuck: Yes, Nina. She absolutely couldn't lose.
Nina: And now…
Chuck: She's toast. Not a chance. Bet the farm on that.
Nina: I don't have a farm, Chuck. I can't even keep a fern alive in my apartment!
[Five minutes of raucous laughter. Finally they pull themselves together.]
Chuck: (Wiping eyes…) Ahh, Nina. Anyway, then there's Barack Obama.
Nina: He's the Irish candidate.
Chuck: No, I don't believe so, Nina. I'm checking, and there is no apostrophe after the O.
Nina: I think he's part Irish.
Chuck: Maybe so. Anyway, here he is giving some sort of talk somewhere.
Nina: The big question here, obviously Chuck: Is America ready for an Irish president?
Chuck: I'm really pretty sure he isn't Irish, Nina.
Nina: (Touches earpiece) Wait a moment, Chuck. I'm being told that America has already had a first Irish president.
Chuck: You don't say? Must have been one of those old-timey ones. But now let's move to the other side of the thingy. The Republican primary.
Nina: Pretty much done there, Chuck. It looks like Senator McCain for sure.
Chuck: And what do we think about him, Nina?
Nina: He's a maverick.
Chuck: How big a maverick, though? A really big maverick?
Nina: Yes. Really big. In fact, I believe he played Maverick in the television series.
Chuck: No, that was Mel Gibson.
Nina: Mel Gibson was in the movie. There was a TV series before that.
Chuck: Really? Must have been before I was born.
Nina: That was before practically anyone was born, Chuck. But not before Senator McCain was born. He was born before practically anybody. That's the kind of maverick he is.
Chuck: (Touching earpiece) I'm being told it was James Garner, Nina.
Nina: So there you have it-- Wait. The first Irish president was James Garner?
Chuck: In any case, there you have it.
Nina: And you heard it here first.
Chuck: That's all for now. Next hour: A digital simulation of each of the candidates in a virtual Oval Office. Who goes best with the décor?
[There follows 12 minutes of commercials about erectile dysfunction, then a special about the private lives of favorite serial killers.]
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