There are certain bodies of information which are important for carrying out one's civic duties. (If your first reaction to that is, "Civic what, now?" then please disregard the rest of this message.) Many people in America get this important information largely from cable television news programs. In other words: We're doomed.

Here's a partial transcript of a program I watched the other night:

[Shockingly loud martial music plays while bursts of light and red, white & blue shapes ricochet around the screen. Letters fly out of a 3D explosion and those viewers who are not having seizures read: "2008: The Battle for the Race to the Fight for the White House!!"]

Chuck: Hello, I'm Chuck Rucker.

Nina: And I'm Nina Serpentina.

Chuck: In this hour: The issues. The candidates.

Nina: And the issues. And the first issue is--

Chuck:--the candidates.

Nina: That's right, Chuck.

Chuck: First, on the Demo…(checks papers)…yes, that's right, Democratic side, Senator Hillary Clinton.

Nina: She's the woman candidate.

Chuck: That's right, Nina. So, the big issue here is… What are we in the media saying about her? And how will what we say about her campaign affect her campaign?

Nina: Or will we?

Chuck: Exactly.

Nina: Here you see Senator Clinton giving a speech in Wisconsin.

Chuck: Her breasts, Nina. Help her or hurt her?

Nina: Too soon to tell, Chuck. But we have here the results of a preliminary telephone poll about them. And here are the results.

Chuck: That's right, Nina. And we'd like your feelings about the results of this telephone poll. Agree or disagree? Call the number on the screen to cast your vote.

Nina: Earlier in the campaign, Senator Clinton was sure to win, wasn't she, Chuck?

Chuck: Yes, Nina. She absolutely couldn't lose.

Nina: And now…

Chuck: She's toast. Not a chance. Bet the farm on that.

Nina: I don't have a farm, Chuck. I can't even keep a fern alive in my apartment!

[Five minutes of raucous laughter. Finally they pull themselves together.]

Chuck: (Wiping eyes…) Ahh, Nina. Anyway, then there's Barack Obama.

Nina: He's the Irish candidate.

Chuck: No, I don't believe so, Nina. I'm checking, and there is no apostrophe after the O.

Nina: I think he's part Irish.

Chuck: Maybe so. Anyway, here he is giving some sort of talk somewhere.

Nina: The big question here, obviously Chuck: Is America ready for an Irish president?

Chuck: I'm really pretty sure he isn't Irish, Nina.

Nina: (Touches earpiece) Wait a moment, Chuck. I'm being told that America has already had a first Irish president.

Chuck: You don't say? Must have been one of those old-timey ones. But now let's move to the other side of the thingy. The Republican primary.

Nina: Pretty much done there, Chuck. It looks like Senator McCain for sure.

Chuck: And what do we think about him, Nina?

Nina: He's a maverick.

Chuck: How big a maverick, though? A really big maverick?

Nina: Yes. Really big. In fact, I believe he played Maverick in the television series.

Chuck: No, that was Mel Gibson.

Nina: Mel Gibson was in the movie. There was a TV series before that.

Chuck: Really? Must have been before I was born.

Nina: That was before practically anyone was born, Chuck. But not before Senator McCain was born. He was born before practically anybody. That's the kind of maverick he is.

Chuck: (Touching earpiece) I'm being told it was James Garner, Nina.

Nina: So there you have it-- Wait. The first Irish president was James Garner?

Chuck: In any case, there you have it.

Nina: And you heard it here first.

Chuck: That's all for now. Next hour: A digital simulation of each of the candidates in a virtual Oval Office. Who goes best with the décor?

[There follows 12 minutes of commercials about erectile dysfunction, then a special about the private lives of favorite serial killers.]