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The War on Saturnalia

Posted Saturday, December 6, 2008, at 11:29 AM

While recently flipping through an ancient medieval manuscript looking for cool pictures to cut out and decoupage, I ran across an interesting find. It was an even more ancient bit of manuscript, apparently from the second century or so A.D., give or take a decade. Equipped with my classical education from Taylor Elementary in Taylor, Arkansas and my dog-eared copy of Latin for Imbeciles, I worked out the following translation showing it to be an ancient letter to the editor of the Rome Tiber-Picayune.



December 1st, 926 ab urbe condita

9 a.m.

To the Editor:

Leaving aside my usual topic of how things were better when Nero was Emperor, I take up stylus and waxed board to write of something of timely interest. This is, of course, the holiday time of year when thoughts turn to festivities, friends and family, to parties, wearing the pileus, and, of course, gift-giving. Who does not love this time of year? But it seems to me that Saturnalia just isn't what it used to be.

There is a group in our community which seems to be growing at an alarming rate, and they have no respect for the long-standing traditions on which our Republic is founded. After 900 years of happily celebrating Saturnalia, we are now suddenly told that the winter holiday is, in fact, really about the birth of their founder. Oh really? What a coincidence! What will they say next? That the celebration of fertility and the coming of Spring also commemorates something about him? His Bar Mitzvah, maybe? It will be interesting to see how they account for all the eggs.

If this goes on, where will we end up? Making shrines out of evergreen trees like those weirdos up in Gaul?

So let's all just remember the true meaning of the Holiday. Saturn is the reason for the Season. And if anybody says, "Merry Christmas" to you, feed him to a lion.


Marcus Gaius Bilious

Owner, Palatine Plumbing & Aqueduct

Showing most recent comments first
[Show in chronological order instead]

Hic, Hike, Hoc, Vidi,Vici, Veni............ all is well in Gaul...................... and at Tigertail.............. Tennemo......... and Lenox..........

-- Posted by Johnny Yuma on Tue, Feb 3, 2009, at 8:03 PM

i literally was born on Easter Sunday of 1944 and made it a point to formally join the Methodist church on Easter Sunday,,,,,,,,,,,, does that make me pagan, infidel, or Christian?????????????????????????

-- Posted by Johnny Yuma on Tue, Feb 3, 2009, at 7:56 PM

Say whut??

Many Christian have long believed that Easter was a pagan holiday in celebration of the god and goddess of fertility. However, as often happens, we tend to go on about our Father's business and try not cause more alienation between believers and non-believers, especially about those things which have been celebrated by nearly EVERYONE down thru so many generations! After all, it is not something that we can prove beyond all doubt, and remains an effective way of getting folks in church on that particular Sunday that might not ordinarily come and bring their children!

p.s. I earnestly hope your last name is simply a co-incidence and not a medical problem. I loved your letter!!

-- Posted by Funnyface113 on Sat, Jan 31, 2009, at 1:57 AM


I loved this article and incog-neato's comment!!!

-- Posted by pmiotti on Sat, Jan 24, 2009, at 8:38 PM

*shocked, not hocked.. i have, as of yet, never been hocked.

-- Posted by incog-neato on Thu, Jan 15, 2009, at 1:02 PM

*shocked, not hocked.. i have, as of yet, never been hocked.

-- Posted by incog-neato on Thu, Jan 15, 2009, at 1:02 PM

awesome! i am, however, hocked that you haven't been burned at the stake for making points like that in dyersburg... but i guess they would have to understand it first...

-- Posted by incog-neato on Thu, Jan 15, 2009, at 1:01 PM

And an aqueous Aqueduct to you for this awesome aquarial season.......... well written..........

-- Posted by Johnny Yuma on Tue, Dec 9, 2008, at 6:50 PM

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