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Law East of the Mississippi

Posted Wednesday, March 18, 2009, at 11:47 AM

(Photo)
Hey, conceal that thing, pal!
Now that the substantive leadership debate ("Shut up!" "No, you shut up!") is over in the State Legislature, they have finally gotten down to the important business: lightening the oppressive legal burdens on gun owners. Here's a quick legislative update:

The first injustice to be addressed was the problem of restrictions on where permit-holding gun owners can carry their guns. One well-meaning legislator attempted to settle the matter by presenting a bill to allow guns to be carried "anywhere on God's green Earth." Of course, this was rejected out of hand. It was quickly determined that this language was open to the interpretation that guns might be prohibited in places not on God's green Earth, such as on the Moon, Venus, or Battlestar Gallactica.

Their first step was to remove the current ban on firearms in places that sell liquor. It turns out this move is a little unpopular with some bar owners. As part of their jobs, they deal on a daily basis with wall-eyed, knee-walking drunks, and some seem a little dismayed at the prospect of dealing with wall-eyed, knee-walking, gun-toting drunks. They felt better, however, when legislators reminded them that we are talking about responsible people who have been through the rigorous process of obtaining a concealed weapon license. Nobody like that is going to have his judgment impaired by a mere seven shots of tequila and a couple of "them there jello thingies...right there...no, the pink ones!" Plus, bartenders are reminded that the new legislation should make troublesome barroom fist fights a thing of the past.

[As an aside-- This rule seems especially interesting in light of the fact that many places do not allow liquor sales in clubs featuring nude dancing. Yet they resist my suggestion to call this legislation the "Guns Yes, Girls No! Law." But enough about guns, girls and booze. I really only mention it because that last sentence should boost the heck out of this page on all the search engines.]

People will also now be allowed to keep loaded rifles and shotguns in their automobiles. This is another common sense ruling. All gun safety courses tell you to always assume that every gun is loaded. So if you're doing that anyway, what is the point of unloading it? And we all know how tedious it is to have to stop your car and load your shotgun when confronted by a particularly tempting mailbox or stop sign.

And once they had addressed the issue of where we can take our guns (church, hospital, daycare), they had to address the question of whom we are allowed to shoot with them. Tennessee law previously stated that deadly force is justified if a person "tries something." Now it is allowed if the person "looks like he's fixin' to try something."

And the current law allowing me to shoot someone if I feel my life is threatened has been expanded to also include when I think my property is threatened. In Biblical terms, this means that if you break the 8th Commandment, I get a free pass on the 6th.

And lastly, moves have been taken to keep secret the identities of people with concealed carry permits. This is also logical since the uncertainty as to whether the other person might or might not be armed is, after all, the only thing that maintains civil discourse in this country. And privacy prevents violence, since if I have a disagreement with you and I know for certain that you are packing, clearly it will be in my interest to simply shoot first. (Probably from behind a bush or out the window of a passing car.) This way we can carry on our debate with each other in the traditional American way: standing ten or twelve feet apart in the middle of Main Street, our arms extended slightly at our sides, our fingers twitching nervously.


Comments
Showing comments in chronological order
[Show most recent comments first]

Teutsch, I'm so entertained by your postings that I'm fixing to read all your future post..........

-- Posted by Johnny Yuma on Sat, Mar 21, 2009, at 10:49 PM

I belive you have preety much hit the nail on the head, it does seem that direction the state is headed. Morels all shot to #^**

-- Posted by corncob on Sun, Jun 7, 2009, at 10:29 AM


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