Speaker to moms, daughters: Communicate to prevent at-risk behaviors

Gatlin

She'll never forget that day. How could she?

Her mother took her to a department store, selected two femininely pink bras and then proceeded to the men's section to buy something for Gatlin's brother. Her mother stopped to look at men's sweaters and wondered if one of them might be the right size. She wasn't sure, so she asked another shopper - a really good-looking guy - for help. She held the sweater up to his chest, measuring the sweater on his torso and guessing how that would compare to her son. The delicate pink bras dangled from her hand on the man's chest.

Gatlin was mortified.

Now that she's an adult, Gatlin understands that her mother didn't mean to embarrass her. Her mother was thinking like an adult; she hadn't considered the implications of such a purchase for a young girl.

"Mothers, I would say to you to remember what it was like to be 12," Gatlin told a group of mothers and daughters who attended a recent Healthy Woman program. Gatlin, program coordinator of Right Choices of West Tennessee, offered parents tips for communicating with their teen-agers. Right Choices is an abstinence-based character-building program for students.

Communication is vital, Gatlin said. Parents can help their children steer around peer pressure to have sex, to drink alcohol and to take illegal drugs. She quoted studies that showed parents are at least three times more influential than friends in a teen's life. "Among 15- to 17-year-olds who are not sexually active, 64 percent said the major reason is because of their parents," she said.

October is recognized nationwide as "Let's Talk Month." The Advocates for Youth created the public education campaign to encourage parents to talk to their children about sexuality.

Gatlin offered eight tips for parents to help their children avoid at-risk behaviors.

1. Be informed.

Learn how to speak the same language as your child. Teens often develop their own slang, and parents need to understand what's being said. She asked parents if they knew the definitions for reppin, shawty or emo. Reppin is to represent someone. A shawty is a girlfriend or a good-looking woman. Emo is a popular style of rock music and attire.

"Mom was under the delusion things were the same for me in the '90's as they were for her in the '60s," Gatlin said. They weren't then and they aren't now.

"The media messages are so different," she said. Gatlin grew up watching "The Cosby Show," a wholesome family show. Teens today are watching "The Hills," an MTV reality show that focuses on complicated personal relationships, and "The Secret Life of the American Teenager," an ABC Family show that centers on a teen who gets pregnant after a one-night stand and becomes a single-mother before finishing high school.

"In our society," Gatlin said, "girls are becoming the aggressors because they think that's what boys want."

2. Explain the risks of sex to your teens.

Gatlin's statistics showed 12,000 teens contract a sexually transmitted disease each day in the United States. The most common STD can cause cervical cancer and the second most common can cause infertility. The fastest growing group to contract HIV and AIDS is 15- to 24-year-olds.

Pregnancy is another risk sexually active teens face. By the age of 18, a quarter of all girls will have been pregnant, Gatlin said. Nine out of 10 girls who get pregnant in high school spend the rest of their lives in poverty. Children born to teen parents endure a number of hardships and are more likely to drop out of school.

Researchers are just beginning to study sexually transmitted depression, a condition that occurs when a person has sex before he or she is ready to deal with sex emotionally, Gatlin said. Sexually active females are seven times more likely to attempt suicide and three times more likely to develop depression, Gatlin's statistics showed. Sexually active males are two times more likely to attempt suicide and/or develop depression.

3. Be there. Parents need to be present both in mind and body.

Gatlin reported 16.6 million children are being raised in fatherless homes, and a girl's self-esteem plummets when her father is not involved in her life.

"Without a father's involvement, girls are more promiscuous, being involved in greater and earlier sexual activity, and boys are more likely to be violent," she said.

"Teen-age girls who are close to their mothers are more likely to remain abstinent," she said.

If one of the child's parents is absent, look for role models who can be involved in the child's life.

4. Build self-esteem.

"Much of high school is about finding your niche - finding your strengths," Gatlin said. Help your children find their strengths and the places where they can do well. "They will realize that are worth more than the back seat of a car," she said.

A triangle with equal sides is the strongest structure you can build, and parents should strive the build self-esteem triangles for their children. The three equal sides are made of affection, achievement and affirmation. If one of those sides is weak, the triangle won't be strong.

Gatlin encouraged parents to make eye contact and pay attention to what their children are saying. Point out the good things they do. Tell them what you expect and then hold them to those expectations.

"If your teen-ager has not rolled her eyes in a week, you're not talking enough," Gatlin said. "They wouldn't have rolled their eyes if they hadn't heard you. Keep talking. No matter what, keep talking."

Be clear; don't give children a mixed message. "The experts say the one key to parenting is consistency. I would say that applies here," she said.

5. Establish rules and boundaries.

Gatlin told a story about a school with a fenced playground. Children ran all over the playground, even to the outer edges. People began complaining that the children were caged and that the fence needed to be removed. When the fence disappeared, the children rarely strayed from the playground center; they no longer felt safe to explore the outer boundaries.

"Children need boundaries; they need limits to press against or they get scared," she said.

She suggested parents:

* Delay dating for their children. Ninety percent of the children who begin dating by the age of 12 are sexually active by the end of high school.

* Keep their children out of at-risk situations, such as field parties and parties at home without adult supervision.

* Refuse to install cable television in children's bedrooms. Gatlin said going to sleep in front of the television affects a child's memory.

* Forbid Internet access and video messaging in a child's bedroom. "Too many teen-agers in the United States are being turned into porn stars because of video cameras," she said.

"Privacy is a privilege that should be earned."

* Become a "friend" on your child's MySpace, Twitter and Facebook pages.

If the page you see has no new messages, your child is not active on that page. These programs often are set up with two separate pages: one the public may see, and one available only to selected persons.

Do not accept friend requests from someone unless you know who they are and have actually laid eyes upon them. "Upwards of 80 percent of MySpace profiles are registered to registered sex offenders," Gatlin said.

* Know what your children are watching on television and listening to on the radio.

* Remember: Rules without relationship produce rebellion. Relationship without rules produces promiscuity. Rules with relationship produce effective parenting.

6. Talk about relationships.

How do you know when you're really in love? That can be a hard question to answer. The definition of love varies between men and women and changes as we experience life.

"Teen-aged guys will tell you anything (to get you to have sex)," Gatlin said, speaking mainly to the young girls this time. For them, love is "just about the physical" aspects, she said.

To the mothers, Gatlin cautioned: "Don't tell your daughter that she doesn't know anything about love. She knows about her definition of love."

The strongest relationships, Gatlin said, develop without sex. "Sex does not create love and love does not require sex," she said.

7. Realize mixed messages don't work.

"What they need from you is clear, concise messages," Gatlin said.

"Set the standards high. Be clear about what you expect from your child," she said. Then, hold teens accountable for what they're doing and allow them to experience the consequences of their actions.

8. Stress the rewards.

Parents need to help their children establish and commit to goals.

Gatlin recommended using a three-pronged approach to accomplishing goals:

* See it: What do you see yourself doing in the future?

* State it: Specifically, what do you want to achieve or become?

* Start it: What can you do today to start working toward your goals?

With communication, parents can help their children plot a course to a promising future and happy relationships.

The Healthy Woman program is coordinated through the Dyersburg Regional Medical Center. Membership is free. Monthly programs focus on a variety of issues of interest to women.