Humorist offers advice on handling holiday stress

Audience members laugh out loud as Lisa Smartt describes how God outwitted her. She said her son has always wanted puppies or kittens and she'd always told him no. Then, a cat showed up at their Dresden-area home and soon gave birth to a bunch of kittens. Her son told someone: 'I asked by mom and dad for kittens and they said no, but I asked God for kittens and I got them.'

She'd visited a local drug store and found a wealth of "perfect gifts."

She pulled them out one by one, showing them off to the women attending the Healthy Woman Girls Nite Out held earlier this month. And, as she held each one up, she began to wonder just how perfect they were.

It may claim to be one-size-fits-all, but Lisa Smartt doubts it. She tried on the Snuggie blanket with arms while describing her shopping spree through a local drug store. She found numerous 'perfect' gifts for the holidays, but none seemed to make sense in the end.

First up: the hottest gift of the season - a Snuggie. The large pink blanket has sleeves that enable the wearer to use his or her hands while remaining wrapped. Television commercials show that the Snuggie isn't just for couch potatoes. Snuggie wearers apparently stay warm even while playing charades or watching an exciting football game outside - despite the fact that the blanket doesn't cover their backsides. Smartt, a writer and humorist from Dresden, noted that the Snuggie is billed as a one-size-fits-all-wonder. She put it on, but it was much too long for her tall body.

For people who love television, she purchased an extra-large remote control. "This is bigger than my babies," she declared. But then, she said, anyone who is that obsessed with television and remote controls really needs to get a life.

Kitchen gifts are also popular this year. Smartt purchased a "Pasta and More" cooking device (billed as "the most exciting cooking pot to come along in years") and an "Egg Genie" that cooks up to seven eggs at a time (and has 19 different parts). Nineteen different parts? Smartt said she thought these devices were supposed to make life easier. How could these things be easier than her pasta and boiled egg technique? She simply fills a pot with water, brings the water to a boil and then adds either her pasta or her eggs.

Lisa Smartt gets animated as she shares stories about her everyday life. [Click to enlarge]

Next up was the Ov Glove, a flame-resistant glove. Protecting a loved one's hands from burning sounded like a good idea, but Smartt began to wonder. How much of the kitchen would have to be on fire before your hand caught on fire, too? "If your kitchen is on fire, you've got a bigger problem than the Ov Glove can handle," she said. Smartt began envisioning herself on the nightly news. "The house burned to the ground, but look at my hand. The Ov Glove saved me!" she exclaimed.

Hands, of course, aren't the only part of the body that need special attention. Smartt also bought a Ped Egg, an egg-shaped foot file that scrapes rough spots off of the user's feet. On second thought, does she really want to tell a friend or relative that they have scaly feet?

Well, how about a Strap Perfect bra strap fixer. Not only does the plastic disk hold the bra straps out of sight, but if you put it in the right spot, the straps also are positioned in a way that enhances the breast size. She suggested that if a woman kept cranking the plastic disk, her breasts would keep rising and rising and. ... Well, it might not be so nice anymore.

Toward the bottom of her bag, she also found a copy of "The Smartt View," a book containing several of her weekly columns from area newspapers. OK, she admitted that was just a bit of self-aggrandizing marketing while she had a rapt audience.

By the time she reached the bottom of the bag of gifts, she was seriously considering another return to the drug store. This time, she'd return all of the hideous gifts.

Instead of giving material items, Smartt offered the 265 women in the audience a few words of encouragement.

* Be careful with technology. Smartt said the Facebook Web site is great. It's like having a party with all your friends - and you don't have to clean the bathroom. But, it can be addictive, luring you in a cyber world that makes you ignore those who are physically around you.

Smartt said she and her husband planned a romantic dinner at a restaurant. At one table, teen-agers were obviously on a date, but the girl spent most of the time sending texts on her cell phone. At another table, five women gathered. Their conversation came to an abrupt stop when her phone rang and she proceeded to loudly explain the nightmare she was having with a bathroom remodel.

"As you're going into the holidays, be aware of technology. In your pursuit to be connected, don't forget to be connected to the people you are with," she said.

* Watch your mental health. It is easy to get overwhelmed and fall into a state of depression. If you begin to withdraw from people and stay home because you don't want to take a shower or wash your hair, you may be depressed. Get plenty of rest and exercise. Stay in contact with your friends.

* Don't face the holiday with sadness and disappointment. Smartt offered her condolences to anyone who has lost a loved one recently or doesn't expect a Norman Rockwell-kind of Christmas. "To those people, I would say: 'I am so, so sorry.' But I want to warn you as you go into the holidays not to fall into bitterness."

Don't get angry at the people who disappoint you. Forgive them. "If you can't forgive and forget, you can forgive every time you remember," she said.

If your family members don't want to come to your house for the holidays, invite someone who does, she said.

* Unless you enjoy details, let go of the details.

* Stop spending money you don't have and stop giving to children who have too much. Instead of giving them another toy, take the kids on a day trip.

* Remember why we celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas.

* Learn to say no when you need to. This will be especially hard for people pleasers, but it is necessary if you're going to spend time with your loved ones.

"As you go into the holidays ask yourself: 'who's going to be at the front row at my funeral.'" Make time for those people because they genuinely care about you.

The Healthy Woman program is coordinated through the Dyersburg Regional Medical Center. Membership is free. Monthly programs focus on a variety of issues of interest to women. For more information, call Healthy Woman Coordinator Judy Boehmler at 287-2109.